i told myself that this wouldn't be another emo blog, but it's my scrap of HTML so screw it.

so somebody tell me why the hell i'm driving myself insane over something that happened more than three weeks ago.

i know that there are good days and bad days - days where you do pretty well and days where nothing goes right. the problem is that it's a lot harder to tell yourself that it doesn't matter, when you screwed up and made a joke out of yourself and your team in front of a pretty big audience.

i don't know how or why it happened. just a week before that, i was telling myself that the team only broke into semis because of me (and i still think it's highly possible). then i give the two worst competition speeches of my life, and nearly a month later i'm still tearing myself apart over it.

i've tried to tell myself (and my teammates) that it was just a bad day, and that those performances weren't a reflection of what i can actually do - but it's hard to do that when i know that i went into the semis with a lot of confidence after the prelim rounds, and came out of the finals a total wreck. it's hard to do that when i know that every single person watching those debates probably think that i'm an idiot, along with my team.

and right now i feel like as if i have no choice but to conclude that i suck. i'm just a really, really, horribly bad debater, and i'm 100% replaceable in the team. i don't matter to anyone. i should keep my mouth shut during trainings and "think more" (thanks a lot).

yes i'm being a pessimistic dolt. i know i am. but as i said, it's getting harder and harder to convince myself otherwise. add to this mess the fact that

a) my coach hates me.
b) my teammates hate me (okay this isn't...completely true, but hey, selfish moment here).
c) i hate me.

sigh.

i also look like an idiot in my obs stuff. -.-

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